In Weakness God is Present

Only twenty-four hours after I was Definitively Incorporated with joy and celebration with the Missionaries of the Precious Blood, I traveled back to the hospital in Toledo, Ohio to continue with chaplain ministry. I worked at St. Vincent Mercy Medical Center last summer for my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education, CPE.

While practicing the CPE method of minister, reflect, and with renewed insight minister again, I encountered an elder man who was taking care of his nephew who was very sick. This man, whom I will call Louie, ran into me a number of times. When I first met Louie I felt the presence of God with him. There was something about his heart and presence that touched me. Through our visits Louie and I developed a relationship and deeper trust. Louie began sharing the story of how his wife died two years ago after suffering through a long and painful fight with cancer. This journey was obviously very painful for him. He also told how only a few weeks after his wife died his mother who lived with them also died. Her death compounded the painful grief that he felt.

Louie was dealing with quite a lot of grief over losing his wife. He felt responsible for not making her more comfortable. He felt guilty for being overwhelmed with the challenges of accompanying his beloved through the many treatments, trips to the doctor, and bouts in the hospital. It was hard on him taking care of her. He said he would do it all over again because of his love for her, but it was obviously very hard. Louie shared with me what a wonderful Christian witness his wife was, and he testified to how she never lost hope by continuing to shine with Jesus until the very end.

From his background Louie wasn't quite sure that grieving was acceptable and mentioned how maybe he should be over her death by now two years later. I assured him that there was no deadline for the grieving process. I listened compassionately to his story and the interwoven sufferings and hopes that he shared. I encouraged Louie to visit a Christian counselor so that he might have professional support for dealing with his feelings and challenges. Although he didn't really like the idea of counseling, I think he understood my care for him and felt freer knowing his feelings were valid and healthy.

I am honored that Louie felt safe to share with me in very real vulnerability the pain he was working through. I was touched to participate in such a ministry of presence through which I believe God was actively present. Louie's courage, openness, and vulnerability challenge me to embrace more fully these vital Christian virtues.

The graced journey with Louie sheds light on what CPE taught me. Doing good ministry is really about being with people. Being present with people through the joys, the trials, and the grief is really where the blessing is. Usually it's not an answer to why someone's sick that can help but an assurance that I am here and care about what happens. A minister's presence can point to the reality that perhaps God is also fully present bringing love and grace. With Louie I was invited into a real presence that was none short of holy.

Louie's vulnerability also highlights how trauma confronted me in CPE. Working in the hospital I quickly encountered the human realities of crisis and trauma. How easily I could be injured in an accident! What would I do if someone attacked me? What could I say to someone whose loved one had a heart attack? How should I act with a family whose child is going to die? I felt overwhelmed and incompetent in these crisis situations. All this whirlwind of fears, questions, and emotions was going on inside of me as I was still becoming oriented to the hospital! As I stayed with the questions, sorted through my feelings, spoke to my nearest supporters, and took advantage of professional help, I moved to a place where the clouds seemed more clear. Out of the whirlwind I heard God's voice from deep inside speak, "In and through your weakness, I am at work." As tears rolled down my face I began trusting that God was with me working right through my vulnerability especially in the traumatic and emotional hospital ministry.

From the forging of my relationship with the Precious Blood community through the blessed relationships with Louie and others at St. Vincent's hospital, I couldn't have imagined a more growth-filled summer experience.